She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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