tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
