you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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