My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize