dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i've created a new STD.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
