Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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