Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
