Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need a beard to bite.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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