Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize