Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
