I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think my moral compass just broke
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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