i was rollin on her like bob the builder
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
