Kiss
Puke
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize