Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize