I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
