I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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