i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
