shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
