phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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