When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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