I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
