I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
