You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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