these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
