burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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