I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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