We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
