i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
