I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
