Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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