How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
my liver is dry heaving
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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