im six kinds of drunk right now
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
