Im at strip club and am horny
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And then he peed in my hair
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