Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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