Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize