I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
