Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
