We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
