Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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