I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
