He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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