I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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