hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Reggie can tackle my bush.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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