I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
