I just cut my nipple shaving
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
