My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
