Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
