I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
