Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
