420 ftw
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
