who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
