So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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