Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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