I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
