yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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