Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Semen is not good for contacts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
