okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
