There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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