Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
